Full and Aching
by steepedinshadows419
Summary: 1x23 - Barry & Iris's rooftop conversation. Iris's POV. Barry/Iris. Oneshot.


**A/N:** I wrote this for the second day ( _theme: Barry & Iris_) for the **Iris West Week** 4/17/17-4/23/17 on tumblr. It is the rooftop scene in 1x23 exactly as we saw it, only in this fic it is entirely in Iris's POV. I hope you enjoy. :) I also wrote a fic for day 3, which is another write up of a scene including Iris entirely in her POV. Hopefully that'll be posted soon too, but right now I'm pretty dissatisfied with it AND I need my beta to look it over too. So please just be patient!

 ***** Many thanks to my awesome beta, **sendtherain** , for being so amazing and looking this over.

 ***** I own nothing. No copyright infringement intended.

...

Confused, angry, frustrated, at a loss, longing, consumed with guilt… She'd felt all those things the last time she was on this rooftop. Most of them had been directed at Barry for his deception and some at Eddie out of a desperation to know where he was and if he was okay. Her emotions had been going haywire and her feelings for more than one man had made things unbelievably complicated.

Yet now here Barry stood, looking exactly as she had, staring out at the city for answers it couldn't give either of them. The city compelled them to look out at its lights and the humming evening traffic below. Everything was so peaceful up above it, though her mind hadn't been and now neither was his.

Seeing him as silently distressed as she had been, any anger she'd felt mere weeks ago dissolved.

"Thought I might find you here."

Startled, Barry turned to look at her, almost exactly as she had turned to him before.

 _This is…your spot,_ he'd said when she'd looked at him the same way he was looking at her now.

She smiled at the similarity.

"I needed to get out of the lab," he replied, coming down off his perch so he was at her level. "I thought this would be a good place to think."

"Oh, it is, trust me," she assured him, pleased by the light-hearted tone he'd picked. She sobered up for a moment. "I have done a lot of thinking up here."

It was only a moment, though.

"When I wasn't having clandestine meetings with the mysterious Streak," she remarked, for the first time teasing him about his secret identity.

Barry smiled at the crack, and a laugh slipped through. Hers. The tension had been so high between them lately that she'd forgotten what his smile looked like and that something he did could make her laugh.

"Yeah…not mad we lost that name," he remarked unapologetically.

"Hey, I thought that had pizzazz!"

He laughed with her and shook his head. "No."

"Oh," she said quietly, not offended in the slightest, eager to make him light up again.

But silence lingered instead, drawing them further into the night, still searching the city lights.

She turned her head to look at him, analyzing the downcast look on his face as if it held all the answers. Or at least one answer that she was scared to death to hear pass through his lips.

"So, are you gonna do it?"

A heavy sigh accompanied his heavy heart. The light between them was squashed, as if it had never been there to begin with.

"It's just so…huge," he said wearily.

Iris nodded, looked away a little, tears already starting to form.

"It's the biggest decision of my life. And…if I'm wrong, I can't undo it."

"Why would you want to?" She cut in, forcing herself to face him. This was an answer she wanted too, but not even to herself would she admit why.

"I mean, you'd get to see your mom again," she continued, because she needed to. "Your dad, have a great career…"

Eddie's words from earlier flashed through her mind. Just a second. And then they were gone.

 _We don't get married. You and Barry do._

"Even get married."

Barry's double-take was obvious, but she never looked away.

"Iris West- _Allen_ , huh?" She didn't acknowledge his little smile, just kept going. "I never really thought of myself as a hyphenator. Must be a 2024 thing."

She laughed again, but this time he didn't join her. A touchy subject, as she should have guessed.

"We don't know that that's gonna happen…" He tried to brush it off. Embarrassed, probably, as he wouldn't meet her eyes.

For some reason, she couldn't let it go.

"Do you think because you didn't… With us… That's why things are different there?"

Barry shook his head slightly, as if her vague questions were clearer than they'd ever been.

"Growing up together and…knowing so much about each other…it made it hard for me to admit how I felt about you."

She nodded and looked away, wished for what felt like the hundredth time that he would've found the courage to tell her sooner.

"And I waited too long, and you fell in love with Eddie."

He shared her gaze for a moment longer before looking away. Not long enough for her to contradict him, even though that'd been her first instinct. Not that she would've known exactly what to say even if he had given her a clear opening.

Her tongue was thick in her mouth, heavy, and her mind was fuzzy. It wasn't the first time she'd been in this state around him during the past year, but it was the first time she didn't feel this overwhelming need to defend her behavior or deny any inconvenient feelings.

This time she only felt guilty, and she also heard – _Eddie and I broke up_ – in the back of her mind, which made her feel even worse for _both_ the men in her life. Or maybe there was just one now, which somehow didn't make talking about it any easier.

"But living with you and Joe," Barry continued, pulling her out of her weighed-down thoughts. "I've had a great life, Iris."

She smiled tremulously and her eyes filled to the brink, and she knew it was only a matter of time before the tears spilled over.

 _She loved him._

 _She loved him with everything that was in her._

 _How was it possible to love someone this much?_

"Come here, Barry," she whispered, clinging to him in the hug she needed, afraid she'd lose him forever if she even thought of letting go.

Her face hidden from him, she let the tears flow.

"What do you think I should do?"

By some miracle, she managed to restrain the gasp hovering between her lips.

The question was too big.

"I need someone to tell me," he added, pleading for her to be the one.

But it was too big. Too big. It hurt. It was too much. How could she answer such a big, heavy, life-changing question? One that would erase their entire relationship as they knew it, and she wouldn't even remember? He wouldn't either? Her whole life with Barry Allen by her side would probably be gone. Everything she cherished, everything she loved that had the markings of her Bear on it…would be completely altered forever.

After a few achingly long heartbeats, she realized one thing.

It hadn't changed yet.

And right now, her best friend needed her.

She pulled away, took some comfort in how he couldn't meet her eyes at first either, and put her whole heart into what she had to say and what he needed to hear.

"I think, that for once in your life, Barry Allen, you should stop thinking about other people." She kept going, lest she lose her nerve. "Look, I think you should do what's in your heart. Do what you need to do for yourself."

He held her gaze for longer than at any other point in their conversation thus far and understanding hit her as hard as his first romantic love confession had. That night had changed everything, just as this would.

She knew he'd made his decision, and that she had been the one to get him there.


End file.
